A smart person will say that you can’t please everyone, and they will be right, but even in such an individual thing as sex, there are general principles that will make you a good partner for the majority (or for one person who really matters to you).
It’s not a repertoire of “do this, put your hand in there, move your hips 30 times a minute and she/he will cum” technique, and you don’t have to number your lovers in the hundreds (or even dozens) to be good in bed. Enough desire and the right attitude to the issue.
So, a good sexual partner: skillful, kind, generous .
Briefly
- A skilled partner is willing to learn and try new things.
- The kind one takes care of who he sleeps with, and after sex leaves him / her in a better condition than before.
- Generous loves to give pleasure, not expecting an instant and symmetrical response.
How to be skillful
Captain Obvious recalls a fact that is surprisingly often forgotten: sex is a skill (many other things, but a skill too). No one sits down at the piano with the innate ability to play Rachmaninov’s third concerto. Or “Dog Waltz”. And the ability to play a waltz (that is, having experience in sex) does not make you a virtuoso.
A new partner is a new symphony and a new chance to learn something. The easiest way to do this is to ask questions .
Having passed the first question on the way from mutual desire to sex (the question of consent, when both say “yes, I want”), heterosexual couples systematically neglect the other. No less important.
When you go to the cinema or to a restaurant, you decide together where and which one, right? You discuss your tastes, seek contact, shuffle options. Sex should be the same. It is possible before, it is possible in the process, but this conversation must take place.
Do not rely only on experience , it is not universal in any case. Do not think that “everything is clear to everyone without talking.” This is what people who consider the script of a standard porn video to be the height of sexual prowess do. Trust me, you can do better.
Try
But the worst thing you can do in sex is to play “color by numbers”. In other words, don’t get stuck in a sequence of actions. Even if it always works for the current partner and you don’t change the pattern on the principle of “why fix what’s not broken”, I can hardly imagine a person who will run away in horror if you offer to change this scheme. And if there are such people, you will not want to sleep with them.
If your girlfriend likes “cowgirl”, suggest “reverse cowgirl”. Your sex is always in bed – try it on the kitchen table. I can go on and on for a long time, but I think we understood each other.
Sex is such a rich thing that turning it into a routine because of your own laziness is a crime, and there is always a chance that in your search you will stumble upon something that you or your partner turns out to adore.
How to be kind
Let’s start with the basics: health and contraception. It is impossible to be kind without thinking about the potential consequences of passion for both oneself and another.
I will not talk about security with a new partner for the evening: the topic is too big. Just be aware of the risks. As for regular partners, girls should talk to a gynecologist about alternative types of contraception. The spiral, pills, implant have their pros and cons . Study them. I recommend that guys show character and not push 100% responsibility for pregnancy onto a girl. At least keep a rubber band in your wallet as a last resort and don’t cum inside without the clear consent of your partner.
No matter how much you know each other, in front of you is a living person who wants elementary respect for himself. It can be shown in different ways. Be polite. Don’t push or manipulate. Don’t lie. Let’s say if this is one time for you, don’t pretend to be head over heels in love. And if you now want to justify yourself, they say, “they won’t give you” without pretense, why are you reading this article?
Be Responsible
If sex did end up in trouble (injury, illness, unwanted pregnancy), the responsibility for it is shared , and you must accept your part.
First, if what happened is your fault (you hurt, you insisted on sex without protection) – apologize. It’s not a small thing, and it’s important.
Second, discuss next steps. Ask for help if you are hurt. Give it if your partner is hurt. Offended – comfort. It is necessary to be treated – be treated both. If pregnancy is suspected, buy emergency contraception (it’s better than abortion anyway).
How to be generous
Don’t be selfish
The bottom line is simple: if your partner really wants something and it doesn’t cause you symmetrical delight, but it doesn’t cause disgust either, do it.
“But it doesn’t cause disgust” is an important amendment. I do not urge anyone to sign up as a martyr in the name of someone else’s orgasm. If what your lover or mistress wants ends with a scene where he/she is lying on the bed in post-coital slumber and you are on the bathroom rug in a fetal position and a pool of your own tears, please don’t do it.
I’m talking about things that for you, well, okay. Not a nightmare, but not an ecstasy either. Nothing special. In an ideal world, we all want and love the same thing, but even very compatible couples do not have such an idyll.
If this approach revolts you (“What about me! I should want too!”), I have two words: oral sex. This is predominantly (if we are not talking about the 69 position) pleasure for one, but don’t we think that the person who does it is making some kind of wild sacrifice?
Throw away shame and doubt
What is the use of the fact that you know how to give a great blowjob if you are embarrassed to initiate it?
The ability to give pleasure is incompatible with shame from it . It will poison the whole experience and give even the most perfect technique a taste of falseness that most people will immediately recognize. Imagine that you are given a gift for the holiday, but if you joyfully stretch out your hand, they step back and shuffle their feet ridiculously. I don’t know about you, but I would think something like this: “Well, if you don’t want it, don’t donate it, what kind of kindergarten?”
If you give, do it from the heart. Not sure if the partner wants this – ask. Nothing terrible will happen, the fear of seeming ridiculous and inexperienced is also from shame.
Main advice
I cheated a little. It’s still a technical repertoire. No, I’m not saying that being skilled, kind, and generous is bad. Okay, even very. Just consider that these were first level tips that will help people with not yet very developed sexual sphere.
And here’s the second level of advice: get involved.
Sex and passion require immersion and loss of control. Moreover, the loss of control does not equal permissiveness (“no” still means “no”). It’s about spontaneity, about the desire to express one’s desire, to ride on its wave and involve a partner in this movement.
Only in this way will you be able to take off the cap of an “honest citizen” for a while, stop analyzing everything and keep your finger on the pulse, surrendering to its beating.
Ideally, sex is almost a trance, where the partners are so merged that they feed on each other’s emotions and pleasure. Both give and receive a lot.
In this state, you will catch other people’s desires on the fly, sometimes without words, on pure empathy, and those words that you want to say will sparkle and charge you both even more.
This state requires emancipation, trust and, most importantly, sincere desire. Not just to relieve tension and get a discharge, but to enter into almost symbiosis, and not just with anyone, but with this person, with his body, his emotions.
If you are unable to join in such a merger, your lover may be the most skillful, kind and generous in the world, this will not make it special weather – no one met him on the other side . It will just be sex. Ordinary. In a week you won’t even remember it.
Therefore, my advice to you: love sex, love the one with whom you sleep, and yourself. Develop your sexual sphere. Allow yourself to want it. Be sincere, fall into the pool, at least for a while. It’s worth it.
